My daughter and I were sitting in our favourite cafe having breakfast last week, when she pointed out the piercing adorableness of a tiny boy at the table next to us. Both of us are quite illicitly longing for a baby. Her transgression is related to being too young, and mine to being too old. She is 15 and I’m 44. Both of us would be heavily criticised were we to become pregnant, and both of us would be labelled selfish and irresponsible. This is of course not a charge that would be commonly made against the father of any of our imaginary children.
There is a great deal that each of us have to offer a child. My daughter has a huge biological advantage. Statistically speaking, she has healthier eggs and a decidedly stronger body and the possibility of fewer pregnancy and delivery complications and birth defects. Having spent a lot of time working with young pregnant women and young mothers, I also remember the envy I felt as they bounced back and handled the sleepless nights with far more ease than my relatively ancient 30-year-old self.
But older mothers generally have an enormous advantage in the stability department. I know that I would be a better mother now than I was even at 30. Maybe at 50 I would be even more able to offer the kind of parenting and care that babies need. I’m more financially stable, but the real advantage for older mothers is the potential for a greater level of emotional and psychological maturity.
Obviously there are drawbacks to having children very young or later in life. There are potential problems in any family configuration for children. But where does the charge of selfishness come from?
An accusation of selfishness often hides our envy that someone is able to make a choice we either didn’t have or didn’t know we had. If we did know the choice was there, then it can mean we’re envious that they’re letting themselves make a decision we wouldn’t allow ourselves to make.
Concern about good parenting is a relatively new concept. My parents’ generation didn’t think so much in terms of being good parents emotionally. Just have a look at an episode of Mad Men if you want a snapshot of white middle class western parenting for Generation X.
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