It’s terribly hard to make enough space to really see someone else. There are so many veils in the way of really understanding other people — our own self-preoccupation, our past experiences, culture, class, age. And gender is one of the most opaque veils of all. When the parents of baby Storm chose to keep his or her gender private, they were hoping that there would be more freedom in this baby’s life, more room to see and to choose once the limitations of gender perceptions were removed. But the worldwide response to their choice was overwhelmingly critical and fearful.
I think part of the horror at this couple’s decision to be private about their child’s gender is because it was such an intentional choice. It was a deliberate act. They wanted a different experience for their child, and they knew that in order to achieve that, they needed to do something differently. And they were aware that “experts” and much of their community would not respect or understand their choice. They acted independently in a time when we value conformity and expertise in childrearing more than ever, and when the idea of the inherent differences between men and women is at a new high. In an attempt to limit hypocrisy and restriction, they chose to act on their beliefs. This is the essence of authenticity. Making choices you know are right for you at the time, bearing the discomfort and criticism of others, and taking responsibility for the results.
It’s a difficult time to take individual responsibility for our children. We are either meant to rely on experts, or to believe in our own and our children’s so-called natural abilities. Deliberate choices such as this one, particularly those that challenge fundamental assumptions like the importance of gender, are viewed with extreme suspicion. In most cases, treating children with fundamental dignity and respect challenges social norms and makes people uncomfortable. The ongoing spanking debate, the underreporting of child abuse and neglect and the ongoing detention of children seeking asylum are just some examples of this.