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SEXUAL desire is a fickle beast. You can’t depend on it and you can’t tame it.

There’s no ‘normal’ when it comes to libido, there’s only your normal. So if you want to understand how lust works in your life, you’ll need to find a way to make your wild libido happy. And the best way to begin to do that is to give yourself permission to feel exactly what you’re feeling. No expectations, no pressures and no judgments.

And that may mean accepting that right now, your sexo-meter is set to ‘sloth’.

There are so many reasons why desire doesn’t come to visit. Sometimes the reasons are good, like when your downstairs gadget lets you know a tired relationship has run its course. Or when you’re somewhere on the asexual spectrum like at least 1 per cent of the population. Or when you’ve come to a point in your life where sex is no longer interesting.

These are all situations where your wild libido is letting you know the score. And you need to be brave enough to listen, if you want to avoid the misery that comes from forcing yourself to be someone you’re not into.

And sometimes lust goes on holiday because your partner has been hurtful, betrayed you or offered you so little support that even your gonads are over it. If that’s the case, then give yourself permission not to want sex for now, until you can tackle the issues together that lead to your loss of desire.

 

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GOODNESS gracious, are we still asking this question? It appears we are. And why wouldn’t we be? There’s simply no end to the confusing messages about first date sex.

Some are saying just do it! Be free of the shackles of old-school sexual shame. Others say don’t do it, you’ll put them off with your lasciviousness. Be hot, but don’t be easy.

It’s fraught territory for everyone, this first date sex business, whatever your gender or orientation. You’re supposed to wait, you’re supposed to persuade, you’re supposed to dither and consult the experts, you’re supposed to dive in and be bold. Be a lady, be a man, be open, keep your cards close to your chest. Anything but be the person you really are. Anything but feel what you’re actually feeling.

Sex is a game, we’re told. Dating is a game. And what do we do with games? We try to win them.

But if you make the mistake of seeing sex as some kind of competitive sport, you might miss the fact that your date is actually supposed to be on your side.

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